Anger, Fear, and the Illusion of Control

The heart of emotional sobriety is letting go of control without letting go of truth.

How Emotional Sobriety Frees Us from the Need to Fix, Change, or Correct Others

I was having a conversation recently with someone I love and respect. We were in a disagreement—nothing earth-shattering, just one of those moments where two people see something differently. But I noticed something rising up in me. Not just frustration, but this need a pressing, almost panicked desire—for them to see it my way.

It wasn’t about the issue. It was about being understood. About being right. About not being misrepresented. And beneath all that? It was about control.

We Don’t Think We’re Trying to Control People… But We Are

Control sneaks in quietly, wearing all sorts of disguises

Sometimes, it looks like trying to change someone’s perspective

• “They just don’t get it.”

• “If I explain it again, maybe they’ll see I’m right.”

• “If they don’t understand, what does that say about me?”

Sometimes, it shows up as emotional invalidation

• “They shouldn’t feel that way.”

• “They’re being too sensitive.”

• “They’re making a big deal out of nothing.”

And sometimes, control gets blunt.

Trying to change someone’s behavior

• “Stop doing that.”

• “I’ve told you a thousand times.”

• “You need to act differently.”

But what all of these have in common is this:

We’re uncomfortable with someone else’s reality, so we try to make it match ours

Anger’s Role in All This

 Anger gets a bad rap, but it’s not the enemy. Anger is a messenger. A boundary guardian. A signal that something feels off, unsafe, or dishonored.

But when we don’t know how to work with it, anger becomes a tool of control. It tries to push, correct, dominate, fix. And when it doesn’t get its way? It either explodes or simmers, and we spiral into resentment or withdrawal.

But here’s the twist:

Underneath most anger is fear.

What Are We So Afraid Of?

Fear doesn’t always scream. Sometimes it whispers.

• “If they don’t understand me, maybe I’m not lovable.”

• “If they don’t validate me, maybe I don’t matter.”

• “If they don’t stop doing that, maybe I’m not safe.”

In our Beyond Reactivity workshop, we explore how fear creates projections—mental movies of what might go wrong. These stories almost never reflect the actual moment. But we react as if they’re real. We brace. We posture. We try to seize the wheel.

But here’s the hard truth:

Control is an illusion.

• We can’t control what others feel.

• We can’t control what others think.

• We can’t control what others do.

So What Do We Do Instead?

When we practice emotional sobriety, we begin to choose something different.

• Notice the reaction rising (anger, urgency, panic)

• Pause and breathe into the body instead of forcing a fix

• Get curious about what fear is underneath: “What am I afraid of?”

• Name the unmet need: “I want to be understood.” “I want to feel respected.”

• Choose to respond instead of react

• We stop trying to change the other person—and start taking care of what’s going on inside us.

That’s real power.

A Story from the Other Side

I remember a moment years ago, sitting with someone who was telling me how I had hurt them. My defenses rose quickly: “That’s not what I meant.” “You’re misunderstanding.” “You’re too sensitive.”

But this time, I paused. I felt the heat in my chest. I felt the clench in my jaw. And I realized—I wasn’t listening because I was trying to control their perception of me.

I took a breath. I said, “I want to understand how that landed for you. Even if it’s hard for me to hear.”

Something softened in both of us.

We got to the truth.

And we got to each other.

A Gentle Reflection

When you feel the urge to fix, correct, or control someone—pause.

• Ask yourself: “What am I afraid of?”

• “What need is unmet in me right now?”

• “Can I sit with this feeling without making them change?”

That’s the heart of emotional sobriety:

Letting go of control without letting go of truth.