How to Create a Respect Agreement

Dictionary.com defines respect as, "A feeling of deep admiration for someone elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements." Another definition is, "To show consideration for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others." This second definition can be the most troublesome. It is a way of treating or thinking about something or someone. We show respect by being polite and kind. People tend to feel disrespected when they are insulted or their feelings have not been considered. Respect is shown not only by our actions but also by how we look at one another, our tone of voice, and the selection of our words.

We all want to be treated with respect. I remember my teachers saying that respect must be earned, and I have found that true. We earn respect when we treat others with respect and are aware of each other as human beings with the same equal and Divine rights. Because we all grew up in different environments, we will all express the truth as we see it. Even so, we can still practice kindness, acceptance, and tolerance when we disagree with each other.

Respect is a companion to trust. If you respect someone, then it is easy to trust them. And like trustworthiness, earning respect requires both competency and caring. One can be brilliant but will not be respected if they lack care for others. On the other hand, if one is caring but not competent, they will not be respected either.

Respect is like trust because it takes time to build and can be lost and ruined in a moment. Rebuilding respect requires a great deal more time and effort than building it in the first place, and in some cases, it cannot be rebuilt. Think of how easily we can lose respect for someone when they don't keep their word to us!

One way of fostering respect is by creating a "Respect Agreement." A Respect Agreement is a set of guidelines that are agreed upon ahead of time before any discussions or disagreements occur. When two boxers enter the ring to fight each other, each boxer is aware of the rules beforehand, assuming that the other boxer will fight fairly. It is common that when a couple or family fight breaks out, there are no rules ahead of time. This frequently leads to one person shouting over the other to be heard. Everyone is so busy trying to be heard that no one is listening. This can result in resentment, hurt feelings, and sometimes even abuse. Respect Agreements are often used by mediators as a foundation for resolving conflict.

In a recent workshop, we created a Respect Agreement, and it was broken down into four sections:

• Participants respecting participants

• Participants respecting facilitator

• Facilitator respecting participants

• All respecting facility and grounds

Everyone participated in coming up with ideas (brainstorming), and then complete consensus was required for an idea to make it into the Respect Agreement. When this collaborative problem-solving effort was finished, the Respect Agreement was put on large notepads and posted on the wall for everyone to sign and be a reminder for participating in the workshop.

Here are some of the ideas that were agreed upon.

• Only one person speaks at a time

• No cell phones during the discussion

• No name-calling

• No invalidating another's feelings

• Pay attention to the speaker

• The facilitator treats each participant fairly

Respect Agreements can be incorporated into family circles, schools, and organizations, and they can help prevent heated discussions from getting out of hand. Simply pointing to the Respect Agreement will bring the trespasser back in line. If necessary, a well-trained mediator can ensure that the participants stay within the boundaries of the Respect Agreement and guide the conflict to a resolution.