Three Critical Components of Emotional Well-Being

Emotional well-being represents the quality of joy and contentment. And when that joy or contentment gets displaced, we can deal with it in a healthy way and bounce back to where we were before. It's never a constant and requires effort to sustain and improve it, and if neglected, it becomes a source of much misery.

In the Emotional Sobriety Workshops, we identify three critical components of emotional well-being. The first one is resilience–being able to bounce back from being hurt or feeling down. The second one is reducing the impact of stress and trauma in our lives. And the third is emotional reconstruction. So, let's look at how these three components can aid our emotional well-being.

Resilience

When we look at developing resilience, one factor to note is coherency. Coherency is when the mind and heart work together, with the heart being the primary motivator. We are built so that our four brains–the reptilian brain, the limbic brain, the neocortex, and the prefrontal cortex–work in sequence with each other, ascending towards the prefrontal cortex. And they, in turn, work in sequence with the heart. It is a developmental process that requires someone to model for us how to get from one level to the next. If, when we were young, our caretakers operated from the level of the limbic brain–a purely emotional level–we would not be able to go beyond that level ourselves unless we had someone to model that for us.

Ken Wilber identified that most of the world's population operates in the lower levels of these four brains–the reptilian and limbic brains. This is sad because it means that people lack the models they need to show them how to get beyond that level and learn to operate from their hearts. The Heart Math Institute identified ways we can learn to move into our hearts. And it is possible for us to ascend to these "higher" levels of awareness because our brains have neuroplasticity–which means we can change and grow–we are not stuck. And this can happen at any age. You can teach an old dog new tricks if the dog wants to learn!

Our brains have neuroplasticity–which means we can change and grow–we are not stuck.

Trauma Impact Reduction

The second component that we have identified as being vital to our emotional well-being is reducing the impact of stress and trauma in our lives. To reduce stress, activities like mindful meditation, physical exercise, and yoga are examples of taking our minds out of worry and anxiety and bringing us back into the present.

When dealing with trauma, extra tender loving care is required. One way we can do that is through emotional intimacy, where we become authentic, love ourselves unconditionally, and seek to inquire into our trauma most compassionately.

When we talk about emotional intimacy, it is different from physical intimacy, in that we are sharing and exploring deep feelings–not superficial or canned phrases. We are present and operating from our hearts, and for this to occur, we need to feel safe.

Authenticity is seeing the truth about ourselves and being really honest about it with others. We need our Higher Power to guide us through this process because we need something greater than ourselves. That is the whole point of 12-step programs: we're powerless.

Authenticity is seeing the truth about ourselves and being really honest about it with others.

Emotional intimacy requires a certain type of love–a love that is not conditional, but accepting, respectful, and kind. It requires the capacity to be present with and understand and see the other person for exactly who they are, accept them for who they are, and invite them unconditionally to be in our presence exactly the way they are. We all have this need and we cannot survive without it being met.

We must have enough self-compassion to truly see ourselves in those areas where we have been hurt. We won't be able to let others in if we cannot look within ourselves because there will always be a wall. When we look at addiction and alcoholism, we find there is almost always some trauma behind it. And where there is trauma, there will be emotions. When we're in a state of trauma, we are not ourselves. We think we are the pain, but we are not. What do we do to compensate for this pain? When we understand the emotions behind the trauma, we can love ourselves and be kind to ourselves just as we would do to our child or loved one.

We think we are the pain, but we are not.

As we begin to explore our trauma, we can do so with compassionate curiosity. Instead of berating and being upset with ourselves, we can ask, "What made me feel this way?" We employ compassionate curiosity toward our feelings instead of berating and suppressing them, which softens the pain and allows healing to occur.

We are often tempted to blame and judge others for the trauma that was inflicted on us. We can't say, "Well, my parents neglected me, so this is who I am now." Because really, who's to blame? Maybe our parents were harsh toward us because they didn't know how to handle the trauma within themselves. And how did they get that way? Through the trauma of their caretakers and parents. How far back do you go? It's prevalent through generations. If we do not transform our pain, we will transfer it on to others.

Emotional Reconstruction

The third component of emotional well-being is emotional reconstruction. Emotional reconstruction is being able to reconstruct destructive emotions and create constructive emotions in our life. We can do this by diffusing harmful and destructive emotions through reframing. We give space to the emotions, pausing so that we can see alternatives and gain clarity.

We also work to build constructive emotions. It is not just recognizing that we have the capacity to be more accepting, forgiving, and show kindness and gratitude but looking at how exactly do we become more accepting? How are we able to forgive? We must learn, and learning takes practice. If we work on these on these aspects of the mind and heart as a part of our daily practice, then we can build constructive emotions.

Conclusion

If we get disconnected from ourselves or our Higher Power, there is hope because they are always there! The pain and misery we feel are not the genuine part of us and can dissipate. Learning about and practicing in these areas of emotional well-being can bring back the vitality, excitement, and joy into our lives as well as the serenity that is always there for us to hold on to.