What is emotional invalidation?

When someone tells us that we should not be feeling what we are feeling, we are being invalidated. Emotional invalidation is the opposite of empathy. Instead of trying to understand our feelings, that person tries to manipulate, control, and change our feelings. How wonderful it is when somebody can empathize with us to understand what we are experiencing, and it goes a long way to further connecting our relationship ties. Unfortunately, emotional invalidation is so prevalent and pervasive in society many are unaware of its devastation.

Dismissing or disapproving are common ways of invalidating emotions. For example, dismissing someone's emotions would be saying things like "just get over it," "stop being so dramatic," or "don't be such a baby." Examples of disapproving emotions would be, "you shouldn't feel that way," or "if you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about." Even Hollywood depicts parents urging their children to toughen up and not show any tears or emotion.

What message do we receive when our feelings are invalidated? "My feelings are not important, appropriate, or something must be wrong with me." This leads to feelings of shame, self-doubt, and low self-esteem. Over time, emotional invalidation can also erode trust and communication in relationships, leading to further emotional distress that can affect our mental health and well-being. 1 Studies have shown that chronically emotionally invalidated individuals struggle to regulate their emotions.2

When emotional invalidation is chronic, it becomes a form of mental and emotional abuse. The person who is emotionally invalidated can be manipulated into doubting their perception and sanity. 2 Using sarcasm, teasing, or derogatory language to make someone feel ashamed or embarrassed for expressing their emotions is harmful, especially when an adult does this to a child. Children under the age of seven have not fully developed their reasoning capabilities and will not understand sarcasm and teasing. The child will feel they are not good enough.

So, we come to another part of working with our feelings: determining their validity. Feelings are not necessarily facts, and just because we feel that something is true doesn't necessarily mean it's true. What makes it so hard to see whether it is valid is that our mind, feeling, and body are lined up in unison when an emotion is triggered. For example, if the emotion of fear is triggered, we will feel our heart pounding, our palms sweating, and a sense of hypervigilant awareness. In our mind, there is fear. In our body, we feel fear. So, this fear appears authentic and valid because we feel and sense it. But how do we reconcile between the felt emotion and whether it is valid in the context it was experienced?

Our emotions are based on our past experiences and not necessarily on what triggered them. We need to honor those feelings, or they can be a steam cooker ready to explode. Those denied, stuffed, and repressed emotions will eventually come out, and often not at the moment we want them to. When we are in the midst of chaos, when somebody is challenging us, it is more difficult to maintain our composure and reason. How can we honor our feelings? By taking a step backward, pausing, and recognizing these feelings as they arise. Just acknowledging and naming our feelings brings relief. Affect labeling (accurately describing our emotions) dampens the emotional areas in our brain and activates the areas of the conscious mind where reasoning can be employed.3

I would like to share a story about a newly married couple. One day the husband, a car mechanic, came home after work. His hands were particularly dirty and needed a good scrubbing. After he cleaned up, his wife looked at his hands and began sobbing. Bewildered, the husband asked her, “What’s wrong?” She said, “You’re not wearing your wedding ring.” He told her that he had taken it off to wash his grimy hands and forgot to put it back on. She was still despondent and told her that he loved her and there was no need to be so sad. She became further distraught and angered and left the room. Now the husband was confused and uncertain what to do.

The wife had been previously married. One day the former husband left a note on the table along with his wedding ring. He told her that he was leaving her for another woman and wanted to end the marriage. She was taken by surprise and completely devastated. No wonder she experienced sadness and despair when she saw her new husband without his wedding ring.

After a few hours of silence, the wife returned and demanded to know why he took off his wedding ring and asked him if he genuinely loved her. He assured her that he did and apologized for forgetting to put his wedding ring back on. She forgave him, and they made up.

When the husband told his wife that she shouldn’t be so sad, it made matters worse because her feelings were dismissed. If he had asked her why his forgetting to put on his wedding ring caused her to react that way, she probably would have told him of her experience, and he would have empathized with her feelings and become more mindful of wearing his wedding ring. She could have told him that she doesn’t like to have her feelings invalidated because her feelings are based on her past experiences, not his. She could ask for a little empathy while she determined whether her feelings were valid in the current situation.

Take a few days and see if you can pick up on emotional invalidation with yourself or others. Try speaking up for yourself when you need to and to be curious about other’s feelings. Let me know in the comments what you learn in this endeavor.