Why We Hold On: The Hidden Beliefs Behind Our Defects

Why am I still holding on to this?

Insights from Step 6 and the Art of Surrender

I’ve found deep healing in recovery work through the Twelve Steps. And as I returned to Step Six, I realized something essential: this step is between my Higher Power and me. My only task was to be willing. Willingness is a quiet interior openness to transformation. A surrender, not of who I am, but of what I’m still clinging to.

We talk about “defects of character” in recovery, and sometimes we can rattle them off easily: impatience, pride, judgment, people-pleasing, control. But the real work, the deeper work, is to ask: Why am I still holding on to this?

Why am I still holding on to this?

The Defect Isn’t the Problem. It’s the Protector

When we look closely, we realize that our “defects” are rarely random. They formed for a reason. They became part of our emotional architecture because they worked, until they didn’t.

• We judge because it gives us a sense of control.

• We please others because we fear abandonment.

• We rage because it hides our shame.

• We stay busy because silence feels like danger.

• We withdraw because connection feels risky.

These patterns are not flaws in our soul. They’re survival strategies.

Reflections on Step 6

The line in Step 6 that stands out to me isn’t just “remove.” It’s “entirely.”

“We’re entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”

That word asks something deeper of us. Because before we’re ready to let go, we often need to ask:

• What belief is keeping me attached to this pattern?

• What definition have I accepted that justifies it?

• What fear is still alive in me that says: if I let this go, I’ll be unprotected?

A Personal Example

For years, I held on to control. Not because I enjoyed micromanaging, but because I believed, deep down, If I don’t manage everything, it’ll all fall apart. But how could I fully live Step 2, “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. If I needed to know how everything would turn out?

Over time, I noticed two patterns in people who claimed to trust their Higher Power. One group trusted God with the small stuff, but kept a grip on the big things. The other trusted God with the big stuff but didn’t bother inviting that power into the small, daily details. Either way, the result was the same: a universe that couldn’t be trusted without our help.

Guess what, I dabbled in both!

Eventually, after exhausting myself trying to hold it all together, I traced that belief back to my mother. She carried the burden of managing everything, and without realizing it, I adopted her strategy. Now I could begin to release it. Not all at once, but little by little. One surrendered moment at a time, until I became entirely ready.

The Work of Emotional Sobriety

Emotional sobriety invites us to see our emotional patterns as teachers.

We don’t just name the defect; we sit with it, we listen to it, and we trace its roots. And then we ask:

Am I willing to release the belief behind this?

Not force it. Not rush it. But become willing. Entirely ready.

Let me share another story about being entirely ready. We were set to go on vacation. My wife was tending to our four children, and I was tasked with loading the car. I felt pretty good about things and told her, “I’m entirely ready to go.”

She looked at me and said, “Did you remember the extra blanket in the closet? How about the special pacifier Jesse likes?”

Sheepishly, I replied, “Oops. I didn’t get them.”

She said, “Then we are not entirely ready.”

That moment taught me to look deeper than the surface and ask myself honestly, Am I truly ready?

What Keeps You from Being Entirely Ready?

Here are a few gentle questions to sit with:

• What reaction do I keep repeating, even when I know it doesn’t serve me?

• What belief about myself or the world keeps that pattern in place?

• What do I think I’d lose if I let it go? What might I gain?

• Can I trust the process of release, even if I don’t know when or how it will happen?

Sometimes surrender doesn’t begin with letting go. Sometimes it begins with telling the truth about why we’re still holding on.

A Practice for Step 6

Use your Daily Emotional Check-In Tool as a doorway into this reflection.

After answering the main questions, ask yourself:

“What belief, definition, or fear am I holding on to that keeps me from letting go?”

You might be surprised by what surfaces. And when it does, remember:

You don’t have to let go all at once. You don’t even have to be entirely ready.

You just have to be willing. Willing to be willing. That’s where Step 6 begins.